November 12, 2007 by pamela.

Yep - I let a typo become the title of this entry. Cindy’s original blog yesterday “Older Mothers of the World Unite” has been quite interesting to watch as comments have doubled overnight. I shared some things on her comments section and posted them here. Not as an indictment of mothers but an admonition to evaluate some decisions/activities. That said… I continue to mull over this matter today.

I say… mothers: Untie!

This, I say, for many reasons. Older mothers have been afraid to say things to their capable, confident, well accessorized, independent, younger counterparts. Now, at first blush, my description of the younger counterparts may seem critical and maybe even judgmental. O, not so. I actually marvel at the capabilities of the younger mothers - and am astonished at the proliferation of baby-childcare-childhood merchandise and training materials. But I also marvel at the independence I see and the sad consequence of that independence. I see many young mothers as unaware of their lack of skill or unaware of their self-centeredness or unaware of their marginalizing of their older counterparts. To many younger confident mothers, the older mothers are passé – obsolete has-been’s who aren’t really relevant because times have changed and the archaic ways have been replaced by the nouvelle motherhood – the, what I call: bigger, better, more motherhood. The “righter than you” motherhood.

Now, here is a potential for trouble – young mothers may feel unnecessarily accused or offended at this point and that’s not my intention. My intention is not to ‘slam’ young mothers or to reprimand or criticize. But to say: Mothers! Untie!

Untie! Old mothers… Older mothers… Younger mothers… Young mothers: Let us all not be so bound up in sanctimonious thinking that we forget where we are, where we’ve come from or where we’ve been.

So that, when a young mom says, for example: we’ll never spank our children! You don’t reply: “Then you’ll wind up with little terrors who will destroy the property of every home they visit and be miserable to spend time with.” Instead, maybe a better tact would be to demonstrate how and when and where and why to properly discipline and hopefully the overly confident- inexperienced young mother will take into consideration the biblical mandate to discipline properly and to love and respect properly – and quite possibly understand the reason Titus 2.3-5 is included in the Word. You will gain respect, you will impart understanding and wisdom and, more importantly, you will gain a loyal friend in that young mom.

So that, for example, when an older mom describes how to do something that goes against or doesn’t line up with contemporary conventional thinking, young moms don’t bristle and close their ears to other options – and old moms need to see there are some great ‘new ways’ of doing old things better and not be so callused, closed minded or hard hearted to new ways of seeing things. We need to see there may be new and better ways. We might need reminding that the old way of doing things just might still be the best way – and just because appliances and convenience have replaced many things – that doesn’t mean the old ways obsolete.

Just look at the number of so-called retro things are popular. Aprons, cookbooks, wheat-grinding, bread, clotheslines, soap making, herbs and tinctures, natural products, cloth diapers and on and on.

Untie! Young mothers… untie yourselves from the preconceived notions that the older mothers think they know everything and want to ruin rule your lives. Be taught! You’ll be teachers one day!

Untie! Young mothers… from the thought that generations before you are antiquated and this generation now (finally and fortunately) has things figured out. Learn from the old ways while you’re walking the new paths.

Untie! Older mothers… Untie from the old ways that aren’t profitable! Be teachable and adaptable to the new ways. Hold fast that which is good… (1Thessalonians 5.21 “Prove all things; hold fast that which is good.”)

Untie! Older mothers… be what God has called you to be. Be it! Teach it! Live by example – and if your example isn’t so good right now – get it there… study, improve, correct, change, apply! Get your life in order, learn what you ought to know, be what you ought to be: that(!) the Word of God will not be blasphemed in or through your life – Let the Word be lived through your life!

Unite your heart to fear the LORD and to live in obedience to Him.

Let us learn from Titus 1.9 and 16 and 2.1: “Holding fast the faithful word as he hath been taught, that he may be able by sound doctrine both to exhort and to convince the gainsayers… They profess that they know God; but in works they deny him, being abominable, and disobedient, and unto every good work reprobate… But speak thou the things which become sound doctrine:”

And older mothers: we need to be sweet. The younger generation needs an example to follow. Let’s strive together - not against one another. Let’s unite.

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November 11, 2007 by pamela.

I was reading Cindy’s Blog and sort of felt compelled to leave a note for her in her comment section. Now, she didn’t need my input - surely all the other entries were sufficient, but I was compelled, nonetheless. She had set up her writing in such a manner as to almost induce others to think of their own ‘lists’ and it was very effective. So much so, that at this point I am thinking of many more entries… but I’ll just leave it at what I already posted. She titled her blog entry “Older Mothers of the World Unite. I originally typed Untie. so… here I go: Untied. Or United. Whatever.
I often think of her quote: “Ideas have consequences” and find myself saying that here at home from time to time.

So, this, quoted from Cindy’s site:

Since Amy (Pray for Amy. She is STILL pregnant.) sent even more young mothers over here I thought it would be FUN to get really honest. I thought maybe the older moms could tell the things that bug them when they see mothers with young children. I thought this would be a lot of fun and it would also be a way to plumb the ultimate depths of memory loss and truth telling. If there is one thing I have learned from blogging it’s that negativity sells

To get things rolling, I will list ten things I hate to see young mothers doing: (and then she listed them here) …”

And now, Here’s what I wrote in response to Cindy’s comments:

This is funny, Cindy… I was just having this conversation with an *old* ;o) friend of mine. I don’t know if I’ve got a top “Ten things I hate to see young mothers doing.”

When I see a mother with young children_________.

here goes:
1. …and the child is fussy, angry, whiny and the mother make endless excuses that or why he/she is so tired. (it’s your number 9 - but I suspect your list order changes as situations warrant.)

2. …and the toddler is wearing a diaper that is nearly down to his/her knees and is filled with about a quart or two of fluid. (o, and the mother says she likes how absorbent that brand of diaper is.) Ack!

3. …and the mother is *counting!* in some attempt to quell the disobedience(!?!?!) When? Surely not when she gets to ‘3′ or ‘10′ Young mothers: don’t count! Please. Teach counting at the table with pencil and paper, beans or chocolate chips. But don’t count as a method of discipline. There’s a proper method for that. Use it early (and often) if necessary.

4. …and the child is emptying the cabinets or shelves or whatever and the mother makes excuses for her child’s “curiosity” and “busyness.”

5. …and she asks cranky child in the shopping cart if they want to go home? It goes something like: “We are so going home if you don’t stop that. I shouldn’t have brought you here. I’m not going to buy you anything. I told you you can’t have it. Okay. but I am not getting you anything else. Do you want to go home. You are going to be in so much trouble. I’m going to spank you. Okay. You’re not getting these. I’m going to take you home.” They don’t want to go home, Mama. They want their own way. Don’t talk, Mama. Act.

6. …and they think it’s everyone else’s children who are acting up or being rude - and that the trouble surely could not have been their child’s fault. 0ooo. (take this from a mom of angelic and naughty ones)

7. …and the mama has been duped into believing the latest hype… and is worn out, unsure, is a over-confident yet insecure and stays neurotically busy doing all the right stuff… just right and on schedule, wants all the right equipment - wants all the right clothes - all the right play groups - the right books - the right educational toys - the right pediatrician - the right carrier - the right order, schedule, and terms and yet doesn’t realize it’s not all the ‘right stuff’ that matters most. Relax. Most all the stuff that ’seems’ most important just isn’t. Listen to an older mom: most all of that stuff doesn’t matter. What matters is: time with you… time hearing stories, making something, walking, talking, laughing, painting, colouring, praying, singing, mattering to you… that’s what’s important. Really.

8. …yep - flat headed babies.

9. …speak in third person to the child.
aiya!

But you know what I’m hating maybe the most? This trend I’m seeing in moms… it’s flippant or sarcastic or whatever - it’s a way young women are dealing with their families that is not nurturing and loving but is oftentimes offhanded, surly, using innuendos to make comments or requests. TV sitcom coarseness and mannerisms have crept into homes and many mother’s attitudes are not tenderhearted - gentle, kind, patient - but cocky, even caustic at times - about the ‘kids’ and about the fathers or husbands. Women have poor attitudes about their children, their husbands and their home-life.

So, number 10 - but probably number one… I’m not seeing the majority of young moms as joyful mothers of children (psalms 113).

But, Cindy, I’m pretty certain your readers are joyful - joy-filled mothers of children. I’ve seen this to be the case. Thanks for the good topics you bring to the table.”

So, this top-ten listing from older mothers could go on and on… so, if *you* feel like posting *your* top ten… go ahead, feel free to do so. This older mom has forgotten so much … maybe you have some better ones.

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April 1, 2007 by pamela.

I read this comic strip this morning and while a few of the children here laughed, I didn’t laugh.   we spend years attempting to train up our children, they cry when we leave and rejoice when we return.  They cling to our skirts and hang out at the bathroom door waiting for us to get finished in there so that they can hand us dandelions and give us sloppy kisses and then… one day it sort of just happens… and they’re independent, they have their own life… (at least some of the time).  We’re never ready for it when it happens - but it happens with each child, and we sure feel dumb when it does.  For some of our children the process is greater and hits a bit deeper, and for others it’s very subtle and not all that noticeable most of the time.  But it’s another phase of life…  It’s all part of mothering from the sidelines. 

O, they aren’t leaving and they sure don’t want us to leave them either, but there comes a point where we’re just not as cool to them and all their friends as we used to be.  We sort of take the sideline.  As an older mom, It’s funny how I never realized when my mom went to the sideline.  One of those melancholy thoughts… I sort of join her there now… but in a bittersweet twist: I’m there cheering mine on and she’s still there cheering me on.

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February 9, 2007 by pamela.

It’s a quiet day here in our home - not much different than any other day.  Oatmeal, dishes, laundry, scrubbing potties, sweeping, mopping and thinking.  I mull over the topics discussed at the monthly “Titus 2″ meeting last night.  Like the blast of cold air that makes you gasp when you open the back door on a blustery winter day, I recognize over and over that I’m living in the margin. It’s wide, uncharted territory for me. Out of the game, I watch from the side lines - my mantra over and over:  I can’t believe how fast it all went.  I feel sort of like the Fabio commercial clip Samuel showed me on the computer following last year’s Superbowl game.  “Life comes at ya fast…” and you instantly see a startling image on the screen.  The once dashing man… scary. So, life in the margin.  Life on the sideline.

Women were sharing the benefits of cloth diapering — showing and demonstrating the types of covers and diaper wraps.  And I realized yet another area where if you’re not in the game — if you’re not doing/using/needing it, then, man, are you “Sooooo last year.”  It’s sort of like talking about your favourite record or tape.  If you share what you used to do… You see the youngers sort of glaze over… squinch their eyes and look at you like you’ve just said the moon is made of swiss cheese.  Somehow, last night I mustered up the resolve to keep smiling, keep interested and enthused about the diapers.  I really was fascinated and interested.  Really… I *am* a gramma (and happy to be so, I might add)!
But weird… it was from the sideline.  I felt like I wanted to say… I know about diapering… I do, I do… I think I’ve changed something like a million of them.  Well, it probably seemed like millions at the time.  I can’t really remember being there with the cloth diapers… hands immersed in the toilet wringing out poopy diapers each day.  It wasn’t a problem to me and I didn’t make a big deal about the job or draw attention to the messes of each baby.  And so I guess that’s the difference I saw… I just got the diapers and the gerber plastic pants and the pins… ran them through my hair… pinned the diapers, pulled up the pants and off we went.  It wasn’t a big deal.  Clearly it was the only way I did things—I didn’t know there was another way and clearly didn’t know to wonder if there was one.

So I used the “chinese prefolds” for all the babies - gerber plastic pants for all the babies. Then I had a cast on my left arm when Hannah was a baby—I couldn’t maneuver the pinning (safely).  So, my first paper diapers.  I thought at the time:  Omygoodness, where have I been?  What was I thinking: cloth only… tsk, tsk.   I recall thinking: freedom!  what freedom!  I think I cloth diapered  for the next babies only for the first several months and then back to paper for each of them.  I know, I know… who cares?  Well, if you were to have been there last night and had you seen the sweet mothers discussing the benefits of one type over another and were you to have seen the sweet little babies theses young mothers were nursing and diapering—well, you’d see who cares and why it all mattered.

I know, I was there and saw all that from the sideline.

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