March 11, 2008 by pamela.

I thought I’d just start this post off with a bang: vasectomies. Writing the rest of it will be easier now, comparatively speaking.  Well, with the exception of replies to comments - but that’s probaby the good thing about not receiving lots of daily comments here.

I don’t know of an elective surgery that is more emotionally charged than vasectomies - with the exception of tubal ligations. Every week I receive letters from women — men and women — couples — who ask for prayer for conception and pregnancy - most requests are posted on our site. In addition to those, we receive letters inquiring about birth control and vasectomy or tubal ligation reversal. So many aches. So many questions.  So much regret and disappointment. So many broken hearts and marriages. Week after week, couples plead for prayer on their behalf that God would be merciful and grant them conception… that God would provide a way for a vasectomy reversal… that God would forgive a bad or foolish decision.

If you’ve visited our site or have known me any length of time you will readily know my strong opposition to the big fix. It’s a lie… the big fix is no fix at all - for breaking things that work just fine isn’t a solution or a fix-all. Very, very rarely do I ever talk with a person for whom pregnancy is or would be fatal or detrimental health wise. Very rarely do I ever read of situations where a woman should not — must not — get pregnant.  And most of the time, my estimation of birth-control is this: it is for people who should not get pregnant. And who should not? People who are not married. to. each. other.  Sincere or Medical cases of necessary abstinence are rare - much rarer than are cited.

Responsibility is a marvelous gift to men and to women.  Responsibility requires necessary restraint and composure, resolve and commitment.  Vasectomies remove a substantial restraining factor in men’s lives and behaviour.  That’s something that’s probably not mentioned when men seek a vasectomy.  It’s not like the doc sits there and says, now, brother, you do realize that you now have total secsual freedom, don’t you?  Are you sure you can handle this?

Of course not.

Instead, docs ignorantly praise a man for the decision he’s making (the great financial bene, notwithstanding) and how now he’ll be free to enjoy secs completely and his wife will never have to be burdened again, blah, blah, blah.   Based on the number of women who’ve written to us, and we’re nobody!, and I will tell you, women cry over the foolish decision and men ache with shame and regret for making a decision based on convenience. and doubt. and fear.

Page two, Local Section of this morning’s Seattle Times has an article about a doc in Oregon who is offering “premium vasectomy appointments” to men who want to time their vasectomy just right to enable them to watch March Madness college basketball… “It’s snip city.” the ad in the article proclaims.

Another sad consequence: older men acting on impulse; younger men instructed.  Older men paving the way for younger men to neglect God.

The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament sheweth his handywork. Day unto day uttereth speech, and night unto night sheweth knowledge. There is no speech nor language, where their voice is not heard. Their line is gone out through all the earth, and their words to the end of the world. In them hath he set a tabernacle for the sun, Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a strong man to run a race. His going forth is from the end of the heaven, and his circuit unto the ends of it: and there is nothing hid from the heat thereof.

The law of the LORD is perfect, converting the soul: the testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple. The statutes of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart: the commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes. The fear of the LORD is clean, enduring for ever: the judgments of the LORD are true and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they than gold, yea, than much fine gold: sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb. Moreover by them is thy servant warned: and in keeping of them there is great reward. Who can understand his errors? cleanse thou me from secret faults. Keep back thy servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me: then shall I be upright, and I shall be innocent from the great transgression. Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.  — Psalm 19

Problems?  Headaches?  Tired of being tied down?  Kids interrupting your game or game-plan? Make an appointment to cut them off today.  You’re in charge of your life - why be bogged down with children and family, why bother?

So light and so cavalier is the view of the great gift of life.   Pragmatism makes many foolish decisions.  For which man could know what God has in store for him?  Who can know the great mind of God on matters of life, offspring and posterity - except that He says children are a blessing and a great heritage to the man who has them.  Decisions with eternal implications made in a moment of frustration or despair… based on a most convenient scenario.

I wonder how many will be grieved five minutes or six months later when the gravity of the decision is realized.  It is a grievous thing to cut off the possibility of children - the heritage of the Lord.  The big fix is a lie.
We know many who have sought forgiveness for the hasty or illadvised action and have joined in prayer and have sought reversal: “Who can understand his errors? cleanse thou me from secret faults.  Keep back thy servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me…”

God help us.

Posted in birth control, marriage, Family | Print | 2 Comments »

February 29, 2008 by pamela.

In our area lots of folks are drawn to the Mars Hill church in Seattle and ‘tens of thousands’ more who listen on line. I began to watch this lengthy video - it is a sermon, after all, and listened to his take on birth control and what the Bible says about  marriage, procreation and principles of birth control. So after listening for awhile I realized that he, as we all do I suppose, interprets according to his conviction or his interpretations or reactions to what he’s read, heard or seen. I notice this throughout life, when we like someone or want to like someone, then we tend to accept what they say or teach - but if not, and especially when it comes to ‘religious’ people with views counter to our own, we tend to discount, exaggerate or mock what they say, do or think. We might even dare to call them legalists or legalistic. That label used to be bandied about by people outside the church, but now it’s increasingly common within the church to divide from legalists. Interestingly, though, legalism has been redefined to include much more than it ever did before recent times. Now, legalism is anything that holds to what’s considered a ‘narrow view’ of the Word of God and moral absolutes. Before the paradigm shift of much of the modern church, what’s now called legalism was simply adherence to high morals based on what’s clearly defined and taught in the Word.

When Mark Driscoll started his sermon, I thought… hmmm… I think he just might have something here. But the longer I listened, the more I realized he had an agenda (again, as most of us do when talking about things we’re passionate about) and his preconceived notions or his biases were evident. If you like (follow, subscribe to, admire, agree with, etc., etc.) Christian teachers such as Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Nancy Campbell, Doug Phillips and/or Mary Pride, then his comments and interpretations of their teachings, Biblical understanding or positions will likely cause a reaction. And it won’t be cheerful. Well, that’s what I thought, anyway. But I always react pretty strongly when people trot out the Andrea Yates argument and start dumping conservative homeschooling, homebirthing, yada, yada, yada mothers into her bathtub.

Further, you’ll likely have some strong reactions if you’re attempting to live in accordance with God’s Word and are asking His blessing on your marriage and especially if you understand that to mean: one, some, none, many or however many children “blessing” means. And if, with that mindset, you are “quiverful minded” and/or are a homeschooling mom in a dress with a wide collar (snipe, snipe) or if you take the verse, “And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it…,” to mean what it says and you don’t reinterpret it to fit your agenda, then you will likely react to Mark Driscoll’s condescending remarks.
But… if you’ve been taught to believe otherwise, then… you’ll find his sermon and his assumptions — well, just what you want to hear. Bcz whatever you think is what’s best.

Posted in birth control, marriage, The Church Today | Print | 1 Comment »

February 5, 2008 by pamela.

Are you looking for the key to happy marriage? The key to long marriage? I think we’re all looking for the key to something. Just think of the things for which you wish you had the key. I need to lose twenty pounds fast; what’s the key to fast weightloss. I wish I had buckets of money; what’s the to getting rich quickly? I wish we had happy, compliant and delightful children; what’s the key to perfect children? O, I wish our home looked like magazine photos; what’s the key to a beautiful and orderly home while raising children?

See, we all want the key - the key to success, the key to thinness, the key to youth — whatever our ______wish, we all know we secretly wish for the key to it. Same with marriage. Women are longing for the key to success in marriage. They think if they could just get a hold of that key - that special formula that would produce or unlock the door to success, they’d finally have a happy marriage - they’d be happy.

Well, here’s the secret: there is no magic key.

There is no magic formula and there is no dot to dot template. There is no ancient secret that only 33% of married couples are privileged to receive. Just like there aren’t people who are ‘just born organized’ or have ‘what it takes’ to have a large family, there aren’t people who just naturally have long happy marriages.

But.

Don’t you just love that word? But. I think it’s probably one of my very favourite words of all words. “But” conveys a whole host of things - it’s like a gigantic stop sign. It says, hey, things were going one way or things might look bad or bleak or hopeless !BUT! things don’t have to be. And here’s why: But God… but God who is rich in mercy…

I’m telling you faith in God is key to just about anything you’ll ever face. If you don’t have faith in God, you — quite literally — don’t have a prayer. That’s what I was meaning when I said yesterday that it is by the grace of God that we have been happily married as long as we have. If it weren’t the Lord who was on our side, I’m telling you truly, we would have capitulated to the great abyss of selfishness, self-centeredness, loss and quite possibly have been another of the casualties of marriage: divorced.

So, I’m going to say that there is a secret - but it’s no secret, really. The key to long marriage (besides physical longevity) is faith in God and the resolute affirmation that in this home - between these two people - now or ever - there will be no divorce. Period. We will strive together - not against one another - to preserve, protect, fortify and strengthen our walk with God, our faith in Jesus and our commitment to be the other for the other. It’s the resolve to say: Sweetheart: I am your other - you are my other and beside you there will never be another and beside me there will never be another. We together are the only other we are going to have. Ever. And by the grace of God, I will learn what it takes to be the best other for you beyond what you could ask or imagine.

Tomorrow I’ll share a bit more… some practical things I’ve learned and am working on - sort of what’s in the fabric of a long marriage.

Posted in Thirty Years, My life, marriage | Print | No Comments »

February 5, 2008 by pamela.

For many days now I’ve been mulling over the question: what have thirty years of marriage have taught me? When I look back at where we were, where we’ve been and all that’s happened through the years, all I can honestly say is that it is the kindness, the grace and the mercy of God that we’re where we are today. Now, that might be a preface one might use to begin telling the story of a once rocky marriage or the story of a marriage that was saved from shipwreck. In deciding to use the “it’s by the grace of God…” preface is to say that we are humbly aware that the blessings, the good things, etc., etc., are all by the grace of God. That preface is used to convey the thought that we are in awe of the benevolent grace and mercy of the Lord we’ve been immersed in through all these years.

I know that years have softened rough edges of difficulties or trials, disappointments, lack and loss through the years and that my memories are probably a bit selective and my vision is not as sharp as it once was, but I’m not wearing rose coloured glasses today to gloss over reality. Perhaps more accurately though, I find that there’s some real benefit to wearing rose coloured glasses… it’s in wearing them that there’s a blessing to just be able to pass over the things that really don’t matter and to glowingly see the things that do. And so, that’s probably my introduction to what thirty years of marriage have taught me: to pass over the things that really don’t matter and joyfully anticipate and savour the things that do. Because, truly, most things we fret (or fretted) over, or make (or made) a big deal over, are really not (or weren’t) all that important.

In the end, some of those little irritations, those petty arguments, and selfish preferences really didn’t and really don’t matter. And so, what I wish I had known then (whenever the ‘then’ was — yesterday, ten years ago, twenty years ago or even thirty years ago) are things I know (a bit more) now. I’ve been learning more and more through the years to just pass over the unimportant things *and* to not make big things out of little things. Thirty years have taught me that we honestly and truly will forget or think unimportant those things that in the past might’ve gripped us — those things we might’ve at one time thought of as impossible, irreconcilable differences or grievances. So, what are those things?

Well, I’ve wondered a lot lately: what are the things that I was or might’ve been irritated over in the past or what things made me frustrated, nervous, disappointed, and etc.? Put in perspective, I’ve thought of this question further in this context: if Wes were to die tonight, what would not matter or what would not have mattered? Really… deep down matter? Then, for even more clarity: if he only had three and a half months to live, would some of this stuff matter at all? Would those things that didn’t get done or those things I wanted to do and didn’t or couldn’t — what, if anything, would matter or be worth quibbling over?

Some inconsiderate comment? Socks on the floor? Forgetting important details of a story? Neglecting to remember an appointment? Not being as ‘good’ or as ______ (fill in the blank here) as Mrs. So ‘n so’s husband? Would I care about some of my have not’s? Would I be impatient with him? Would it irritate me that he forgot to do or say something? Would I find it drudgery to run another errand for him, or wait for him, or have him be late for dinner or whatever great or small inconvenience was in my path?

Well, since we don’t know the day or the hour of our own death, our husband’s death or the great or small activities we may face. One thing i do know is this: the Bible says, “The discretion of a man defereth his anger and it is his glory to pass over a transgression.” - we read in Proverbs 19.11. A glory to pass over a transgression? A glory? Yes. It is a glory to just let things go - to say, it doesn’t matter. Let that comment go into the sea of forgetfulness. I know poat is not a great acronym - it’s not catchy and it’s not all the attractive. So the only thing I’ve ever been able to tie it to is this: poat, don’t pout.

So… that’s probably one of the greatest benefits or lessons I’ve been learning through the years. Let those disappointments, those trials, those insensitive words or comments, those missed marks - misunderstandings, those less than ideal conditions… let then slip away and be cast into the sea of forgetfulness.

Last night as we were dining in a delightful little Greek restaurant - Monday night, notoriously not a very busy night of the week in restaurants, we had smatterings of conversations with our server… a beautiful young woman glowing with early pregnancy and youth. Later she asked what brought us to the island and what we were celebrating; we told her today’s our thirtieth wedding anniversary! Glowing. :o) She was taken aback and quickly offered: “Wow, congratulations!”

Later she returned and said… so I want to know: what would you tell me is the key to long marriage?

Pass over things. Not a lot of what you think’s important today is really all that important. Let little things go… don’t be petty and don’t get easily ruffled or offended. It doesn’t matter… it really doesn’t matter. Delight in him… let him know it - live it every day. You may not have tomorrow. Make today the best today. Trust the Lord. We talked a little bit about a lot of different things.

She returned again later saying she wanted to take care of our dessert for us for being such an encouragement and blessing to her. The whole evening was delightful… as sweet as thirty years of dessert.

Posted in Thirty Years, My life, marriage | Print | 1 Comment »

February 4, 2008 by pamela.

By the grace of God… we do celebrate thirty years - of marriage and family.

Posted in My life, marriage, Potpourri | Print | 1 Comment »

February 1, 2008 by pamela.

You know, I sometimes find it hard to believe I’m over thirty years old… but it’s harder for me to fathom thirty years of marriage. And, in many ways, it feels like we’re just beginning.  So… now we’ve sure been reminiscing. Thirty years… February 4, 1978.

I think over then next few days I’ll write a little bit about marriage and what thirty years has taught me. I’ve loved being married. I’ve loved being married to the man I’m married to. You know, lately I’ve been thinking of so many things… I smile as I think that in many ways, he’s not the same man I married. The man I married was not my lifelong companion, my fully and completely trusted friend, my safe harbour in the storms of life. The man I married was not the father of eleven children… he hadn’t been proven, tested, strengthened, beaten down, bold to start over again and again. The man I married was invincible and I’m sure I thought he’d never get old, never get sick, never get tired and never fail. The man I married was adventuresome and he was charming, delightful and thought I was everything.

At the time, I was far from thirty. I was, by any standard, a very inexperienced and often foolish girl. I didn’t know… well, let’s just say that, looking back now, I didn’t know much about anything.

True story: one day, shortly after we were married, I went shopping and bought groceries. Lots of groceries. I recall that I spent $176. Yep, lots of groceries. There were just the t-w-o of us in our one bedroom-upstairs apartment. I have no idea now how I could’ve purchased all those groceries for t-w-o people. But I did. I was from a very small family - just three of us, by the way, and I, myself, was very small and didn’t eat much. So, the groceries…

Well, I got them all put away and it must have been just a short time later that I proceeded to make the dinner. I call it ‘the dinner’ bcz I fixed fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, peas and carrots, salad, rolls and a blueberry pie. That’s what was in the picture in my cookbook.  I loved my kitchen and my new cookbooks — my new world.   Wes hardly said a word all through dinner… just kept smiling and eating. He’d look around the table at all the place settings I had set out (because I thought the dishes looked so pretty) and he’d smile at me and keep on eating. At the end of the meal, still holding my hand, he said that was the best meal he’d ever eaten.  (btw - I *never* make that meal anymore)

Well, anyway, another day, in the early months, I decided to bake an apple pie. Hmmmm. Pare and core. Hmmmm. What does that mean? So, I called my husband at work (I know, I cannot believe it either) to ask him what does it mean to pare and core the apples? Is that peeling them and cutting them up? Yes, he says, I think that’s it! So, I asked him, then why didn’t they just write: Peel and core? O, I see… the paring is the peeling and slicing process. Okay.

I’m sure it’s the best pie I ever made - truly. That’s what he told me. And I still believe him.

The man I married didn’t have a whole lot of worries, concerns or responsibilities - O, I think they were there, but there were really few things that ever concerned him. I’d never seen him weep. I’d never seen him disappointed. I’d never seen him sad or weary. Thirty years has some sorrows. Thirty years has some disappointments. Thirty years has a bunch of memories - so many, many memories. Thirty years is to me now a very, very long journey with lots of hills and valleys, beautiful sunrises, full moons and leaves falling. Thirty years sees lots of blooms, hopes and dreams and lots of stormy days, but enough sunny days to warm the heart and the skin on your shoulders. Sunny days, soft breezes…thirty years sees lots of answers to prayer, lots of ways the LORD went before and provided and guided the path.  Thirty years… watching children grow and go;  kneeling beside our bed in prayer, walking the floor with fussy babies, standing beside cribs to just watch. Thirty years of watching and waiting, praying and hoping.  Thirty years around the table… at bedsides, and fevers, soft baths and fluffy towels, streams in the deserts, steep hills and rocks on the path… soft rain on roses.

On the night we were married, I recall him looking into my eyes and I thought at that moment I could never love him more. But I also know now, that I didn’t really know what love — true love — was.  I had not yet really seen the Hand of the LORD, I had not understood the provision of God - and didn’t know what it was to have a marriage as a picture of Christ and the church.  I now know that I didn’t have any idea the blessing in store in the gift of my husband.  I had not yet seen him tenderly caring for my every need, immersed in the moment, looking into my eyes, helping me through contraction after contraction, baby after baby… each time overwhelmed with love and gratitude looking into the face of each newborn baby and then over at me. He wept over those babies… and sometimes still does, even though they’re far from those days now.

I didn’t know the man I married would still be saying to me nearly every single morning, in answer to: how’d you sleep? Fine, I got to sleep next to you, didn’t I? And you know… after he had a heart attack and was still in the hospital and I slept in our bed alone, when I awoke, it wasn’t that I felt it was so hard to sleep alone, but it was hard to wake up alone. My heart is tender for those who are waking up alone today. The bittersweets of life.

I never thought we’d be thirty… but I sure am glad… and I wouldn’t trade a single day away for anything, anyone, anywhere in the world.

Posted in My life, marriage | Print | 9 Comments »

October 16, 2007 by pamela.

So… we seem to have a lingering conversation around here. When my husband comes in the room or we end up standing around in our kitchen… it’s as if we just continue this ongoing conversation… a conversation that sort of lingers in our minds day after day — now, week after week.A neon green appointment card is attached to a sheet of paper that hangs on the clip by the back door. That clip has always been there and holds whatever needs to go out to the mail box or it occasionally holds a check for a delivery or, now, it holds appointment cards. For the c-a-r-d-i-o-l-o-g-i-s-t. I know, I know… soon this will be ‘old hat’ and we’ll move on. This, as do most other ‘big deals’ in our family, will soon be as ‘normal’ to us as other things that are part of normal, everyday living. But for now, all this cardiology stuff is not normal, everyday living to us. Actually, I think I subconsciously believe that pretty soon all this will be over and things will go back to the way they were (whatever that was!).

Isn’t it interesting that we think we’re strong in the Lord - that we trust Him implicitly, that we leave everything in God’s capable hands and yet… well, and yet we don’t, do we? We intend to be faithful: honouring God in all we think, say, and do and yet, when life doesn’t turn out the way we thought it would, we falter.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I’ve been thinking of the way I always thought things would be… the way I thought things would end up. And things aren’t or haven’t quite turned out that way.

Eight years ago today was my father’s funeral service. I would have thought I’d have my father a long, long time. I thought things would have ended differently than they did. But they didn’t. I remember standing there at his service… I was giving a message that I hoped would both honour him and honour the Lord. I spoke of his life, his death and eternal life in heaven. No doubt there were people present who knew the gospel message but had never trusted Jesus as Lord. No doubt there were people there that day who still do not trust Jesus as Lord. God knows. I just knew I had a small window of opportunity to share the gospel, to share of God’s love and eternal purpose for man and to succinctly present the gospel message: the gift of salvation and eternal life in Jesus.

That salvation is all the more precious to me as the years pass… especially years in which things turned out differently than I thought they would.

Our lingering conversations… what would you want me to do with ____________ ?

Three weeks ago, when my husband had a heart attack, it was such a surprising thing — surreal, almost. I thought it was such an odd thing that had occurred — like something in a movie, like something in older relatives’ lives, not something in my life — not something in my husband’s life. Something for older women… not for me. I never would have thought that this is the way things would turn out. I guess I actually thought my husband was invincible and that he would live on much longer than I will. And that may well still be the case… but somehow, now, I think not.

So, when things don’t turn out the way we thought they would, what do we do then?

You know what I’ve been thinking? Praise God. Praise God that He does not tell us in advance the things we have in our future. Praise His marvelous name that we do not know, in advance, the way He has planned for us. Would we love Him? Would we trust Him? Would we praise Him?

What do we do when things don’t turn out the way we thought they would? Well… I’ve been mulling this thought over and over. This is a lonely time. And now I see this sort of thing’s been lonely for several of my friends at other points in their lives. And I missed it. I overlooked their plight. It’s not a Joni Mitchell: “Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone,” sort of time, but rather, it’s a lonely time - a no one knows/cares/understands what I’m going through sort of time. It’s a very personal sort of time; an “Omygoodness, my husband could have died and life as I knew it could have been over” sort of time. And only other women who’ve experienced the same thing can understand. And it’s a: wow, is life so over when it’s over –or– wow, is life so different when it’s different, sort of thing!!

So we have this lingering conversation. Wes walks into the room and another sentence is spoken. “By the way, _____________.

I come home and I say, I’ve been thinking…. if… well, if things go that way, then what should I do about ________________?

Day after day, sentences begin - with no introduction.

“Okay, so if _________, then what I will do is____________ and I will not________ and I will call_______ . Okay. No, I don’t want to get married to anyone else. No. I don’t want to think about___________ . Yes…. I will do that. Yes… I know, I will wait to do that. No, I don’t want to sleep with anyone else. Let’s forget all this happened. No, I will not change my mind.

A day passes… the conversation lingers.

“I have been with you longer than my whole adult life… and everything that’s happened to me has happened with you. I do not want to be alone to face the remainder of whatever’s going to happen to me and the children. And the conversation lingers…

He stands at the sink. “Her father had his first heart attack when she was six… the conversation lingers.

He stands at the cabinet. One bottle lid pops off, then another and another and so on until all the meds are in hand. Wow. What a difference a day makes. Into my once very ordered, very secure, very sure world… has come amber bottles with foreign names and expiration dates and warnings… Strange, what a difference a day makes.

The lingering conversations. Day after day.

“I want the older boys to know I’m proud of them.

The conversation lingers.

“I’ll always love you.

O, for heaven.

Posted in Heart stuff, marriage | Print | 5 Comments »

October 2, 2007 by pamela.

Inscribed on our wedding invitation and sung at our wedding were the words (from the Book of Ruth): “Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thess: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God, my God: Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me.”

Well… those are the thoughts behind my words: “Whatever you want to do… that’s what I want to do.” I’m saying them a lot these days - and I mean the words like never before.

Though I have probably said those words a thousand times, I’m wondering: have I really and truly always meant them? In times past, I said them, but I’m wondering if the: ‘whatever you want to do, I want to do’ was sort of a qualified, ‘whatever you want to do - I might want to do.’ I am wondering theses days if I actually, more accurately meant: you can tell me whatever you want to do and I will go along with that plan… but I will also work to adjust it around my previously arranged plans. So, it was more: Whatever you want to do, I’ll probably go along with it - unless I get sidetracked or unless I forget or unless it doesn’t really work out for me or whatever.

I have strongly intended to follow him wherever he leads, to follow his lead -seriously. Day by day, through our whole marriage, I have sought to honour him in word AND in deed. But as I’ve inferred a few times in the last several entries: there’s nothing like a wake up call to turn the world upside down or totally rearrange the pieces on the game board… maybe, in reality, to show that the game is further along than you thought — that, literally, you’ve lost some pieces or some points and now have to change your whole strategy and game plan. Or get one.

I’ve been mulling over lots of things. Lots of things that seemed to matter: don’t. Lots of things that seemed to need attention: don’t. Lots of things I wanted to say or do really don’t matter all that much. When it all comes down to it, there’s really not a whole lot that matters a whole lot.

When it all comes down to it, here’s what matters:

Are you right with Jesus?

Is there any unfinished business in your life?

Are there some things you need to do today? Words you need to say today? Forgiveness you need to seek today? Forgiveness you need to offer today. Really…

The possibility of walking through the rest of my days alone has really abruptly assaulted and altered my thinking. I know my husband loves me - cares about everything that concerns me and seeks my best interest. I wonder if I have, by my actions when I am reluctant to do this or that thing, or to go to this or that place, questioned his judgment - questioned his love? So I’ve been asking the LORD to work in me - through me - to say and mean the words I say to my husband. I want the literal words of my mouth, the meditation of my heart and the intent of my actions to be: whatever you want to do.. . that’s what I want to do.

My husband and I took a long drive yesterday and talked. And talked. We talked about things we’ve only brushed the surface on in years past. I don’t know when we would have started talking about life and health and death, but here we are… talking about it all now.

So, I’ve been reflecting on the passage in a whole new light. I want the “whither thou goest, I will go” to be: whither thou goest, I *want* to go and I will go. Hand in hand with the Proverbs passage, “She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.” a sure foundation, or mandate for wives, can be seen. Doing him good… what can I do, what can I say, where can I go that will: do him good?

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September 6, 2007 by pamela.

[September 6, 2007] Several weeks ago I wrote but never completed the following blog entry. Now that story has an ending. My heart is heavy today as I think of our friends and the first day they spend without their husband/father. Wes took Hannah back over to Idaho on Sunday morning so that she could continue helping our friends and she called a bit after midnight to share that the final chapter was complete. Today our friend, Bob, woke up in the presence of the Lord Jesus… in the presence of all the saints who’ve gone before and of the angels in Glory. This is a great comfort. Now… the family goes on without him. They loved him, were loyal and can trust the LORD for the days ahead. This, too, is a great comfort.

Whew… so all of that happened.

July 16, 2007 I know it’s been awhile. No, I wasn’t on a cruise or sunning at the beach or spending time at a spa… but, I must say that 107º in Lewiston was h-o-t as was the rest of the time we spent in Grangeville over the weekend. I so love the heat!! I’m finding the only heat I’m experiencing now, back home, is from hot-flashes! I suppose this will be some consolation that this coming winter will be more bearable knowing that I will not need to rely solely on standing in front of the woodstove to get toasty warm.

But that’s not what I wanted to write about. No, what I wanted to write about briefly today is: loyalty. Loyalty is a strange thing. In fact, perhaps one might never really know if it’s a priority or if loyalty is present until it’s tested. Sort of like a chair or a stool. You don’t really know if it’s strong until you step on it and let go of whatever else you choose for stability. You never really know how strong the coffee is until you taste it or you never get the full flavour of tea until you steep it in some boiling water. So… loyalty. Until you’re tested, you may not, in fact, be loyal at all. You might be dedicated for a day or so or a week or so, but years? Loyal for years? Gotta be tested.

My friend is loyal. I watch her — have watched her and will continue to watch her.  I love that she’s faithful - she’s been faithful and I know I will watch her continue to be faithful. I’ve no reason to doubt it. But you know what I marvel about?  Yes… she’s been utterly loyal.  Never looking to be relieved of her “life” or “duties,” she’s tended to his *every* need.  Loyal.  She’s fed, bathed, clothed and tended to every single thing that concerns him - day after day, year after year - everything. I don’t know how many times I’ve said, I don’t think I could do what she’s done. I thought about it a great deal, and I’m really not so sure I could do what she’s done. I hope I would. I want to think I would. I’d want to be… but year after year after year after year…. I wonder. Would I have given up a long time ago? Would I press on faithful —loyal— to the end? So, you know, I’ve begun to pray to that end: that I would be found faithful —loyal— to the end, no matter what.

I’ve thought about faithfulness —loyalty— to the end. I promised my husband thirty years ago that I would be faithful — loyal— to the end. I’ve kept that promise. It was so easy to promise that thirty years ago. It was such a delight, such a wonderful thing to say, to think… to feel. It was easy bcz my resolve hadn’t actually been tested. It was easy bcz I was well, I was young, I was strong and idealistic — that, and I’ve noticed a tremendous resolve in many children of divorced parents to determine to *never* allow any circumstance to dictate or diminish loyalty. That was me then and it is me now. And my loyalty to my husband increases day by day, year by year. So why would I think my response to a devastating situation be anything less than loving loyalty?

We went to Idaho to visit our friends this past weekend. The family has been a tremendous blessing to us through the years. As the father of a large family continues to suffer the debilitating effects of ALS or Lou Gehrig’s disease, we have grown increasingly concerned about the long term effect illness has on each one… thus, my references to my loyal friend — the wife of this man. None of them would seek recognition for the marvelous care they give and none seek sympathy for the situation they daily live with, nor for the tremendous responsibility they each one carry — especially our friend — his wife, mother of their children and his primary care-giver all these years.

Her resolve’s been tested. Her loyalty has been tested and has not been found lacking in the slightest. In fact, she stands as a model of excellence and is to be praised. She would not say so — she doesn’t seek any of that and actually deflects the heaps of praise she receives. I think that’s probably one of the things I admire most and have taken note to remember. When she hears the words of others, “I couldn’t do that…” she replies, “I couldn’t either, but the Lord can.” She has been by her husband’s side… been his total and complete helper for every single thing that concerns him. His illness has been progressing for at least 12 years now and completely debilitating for longer than half that time. And through it all, she has daily praised the LORD.

It struck me profoundly this past weekend that I thought I couldn’t do what she’s doing… but I do believe this: God can. The LORD can do anything, anything, anything. For nothing is impossible with Him.  And so… I don’t really need to know how faithful I am or how loyal I am to my husband today. The thing I need to know –and I do seek– is that the LORD *is* faithful.  *He* is loyal and *He* alone is my strength. And should I face a similar challenge… I, in faith, trust that He would carry me, too. I pray to be found faithful. I pray to be found loyal. To the end.

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July 26, 2007 by pamela.

For a few years now, we’ve had the privilege of having a weekly Bible study in our home. It’s been interesting and encouraging to watch the LORD work and show us new things, confirm or affirm old studies or understanding and to sharpen us in our walk with Him (and one another). Another tremendous blessing we’ve experienced is the blessing of walking with a young “newlywed” couple. I say “newlywed” that way bcz though they may feel like they’ve been married a long time now, to us it’s been a short time… not yet a year.

So last night we were talking together in our living room, after our study, and we were hearing some ideas they had about work and business opportunities and their plans. It’s always delightfully refreshing to talk with them as they’re so open, teachable and receptive to advice — now, that’s not to say that we tell them things and they automatically do them. No, no, no… that’s not what I mean by: receptive. What I mean is that they hear, consider and ponder their course. Perhaps what we share will be valuable to them and perhaps just a part of it will be useful. Whatever the case, they’re pliable… sort of like clay in the Hand of the Potter. O, and isn’t that just how we all desire to be to the LORD — pliable, yielded and tenderhearted toward the LORD?

Well, we were talking over some series of events early in our marriage and I was sharing with them that I’ve observed that most older folks — folks who’ve been married a number of years, would likely give nearly the same advice to young people. It’s really immaterial where they live, what they own, where they’ve been, etc., etc. What they would advise is very nearly the same. If they had it to do over, they would have saved regularly, they would have been more careful with their time and they would have developed healthful eating and exercise habits early on. We shared that we heard that advice early on. We heard it over and over and over. We didn’t heed that advice. We didn’t need to… we could keep working and we didn’t feel all that bad… so diet was sort of insignificant and exercise unnecessary. Oooooooooooo, wrong.

I shared that they could ask any couple and they’d likely hear the very same answers. That’s why marriage and finance books keep being written, that’s why health, diet and exercise books keep being written and that’s why New Year’s resolutions are essentially the same year after year. So I suggested that maybe they’d be ones to “break the mold” that maybe they’d hear and heed; maybe they’d be sitting in our place in thirty years telling the same thing to a young couple… only this time, from the perspective of having done so through the years and not later in their marriage.

We cautioned them about things not always being as they seem and that things never stay the same - of that they could be assured. We cautioned them about businesses offering grand income and little investment. We cautioned them about motives and how the accumulation of wealth –for most people– changes their outlook and a little more is always better. We talked about contentment and work and the necessity of having or doing both! It’s really easy to think that wealth wouldn’t change us and easier still to think that we’d be very, very generous if we made a large amount. Truth is, we’d all likely change and take care of ourselves first and then if, and that’s a big if, we had extra, we’d spread it around liberally.

Well, that brought up another topic and that was the matter of dual, or two, incomes… and the need to adjust their living expenses/needs and expectations to one income. Now, lest it seem we went from teaching or sharing to meddling, it was actually all part of the natural flow of the conversation. They shared that they’d been considering that quite a bit and had worked to that end themselves. See what I mean about them being pliable? The LORD was already working in their hearts… He was just using our conversation to clarity or affirm it to them (and to us). It’s no secret to them how we see the hand and working of the LORD in marriage and family.
We shared how that the LORD had cared for every single thing that’s concerned us, our family, our children, our home, our business, etc., etc, for nearly thirty years. In nearly thirty years we have had all our needs met — that though there were/are some very low times, very tough times, there was/is never a time where we did not have just what we needed — and we *needed* those tough times — especially early on! We needed to see God be God and for our faith to be strengthened and deepened. We needed His care in that way — we needed to see that no matter how foolish, how careless, or how faithless *we* were (are), He never is. He is always and only good. He is always and only faithful. We needed to *see* that and now… in faith we see how He was guiding us all the while. He was drawing us all the while. He proved (though He did not need to) Himself strong on our behalf. He was (is) forgiving and He was (is) our provider. We needed to see that… we need it now. He *is* faithful.

So… what a delight to talk and walk with those who are not as far down the road in years… but who walk with God and we share that very sweet and very strong bond of family in Him.

Posted in marriage, More Slices of Life | Print | 1 Comment »

June 15, 2007 by pamela.

…and there is really so much to say on this matter.

As I was sharing yesterday and the day before on some pretty sensitive matters, I recognize that the matter of marriage, family size, the sovereignty of God and Lordship of the womb is probably one of the most volatile topics concerning marriage and family… and, sadly, is not embraced and promoted by the mainstream Christian writers/teachers/preachers in the church today and is seldom embraced by Christians in general — what a pitiful indictment against the church. Actually, I think that birth control and immodest and/or gender-neutral clothing are a couple of the most blatant. Both pit believers against God’s design. What a sad commentary - what a pitiful contradiction of the Word.
So I’ve continued to mull over the consequences of birth-control or the determined limiting of family size or the selfish, purposeful prevention of conception all together. The consequences are both huge and lasting and I believe the enormity of longterm effects in and through the church cannot be measured. Intentional barrenness is a strong delusion and judgment. Consider, simply, the contradiction to God’s Word those tiny little pills on a wheel present. Consider God’s eternal purpose and the design those little pills violate.Consider… the apple.

And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food,
and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired
to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat,
and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.
Genesis 3.6

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June 14, 2007 by pamela.

I’m steeped in thought about this matter this morning - not just bcz of celebrating another birthday in our home and not just bcz I wrote about some non-optionals yesterday… but bcz another day passes that reminds me that the season of childbearing has passed on by and I’m beginning to walk through the leaves and am no longer sitting under the shade trees of summer.

So, I think further on non-optionals - and today: the non-option of the lordship of the womb. The womb belongs chiefly and solely to the LORD, our Creator. We were created by Him for His glory. He is our Creator and He *is* creative in and through us! Wow. It’s both humbling and exhilarating to even catch a glimpse of the power of this thought-this Truth. He is the Creator-He is Lord. He is Lord of our lives, Lord of our homes, Lord of our marriage, and Lord of all that concerns us. And that… that should naturally be followed by the acknowledgment that He is also Lord of the womb. One would think that above all people on the earth, Christians would stand in awe of this Truth (and live it out!). But, no, Christians— (should be) followers of Jesus Christ— seem, on the whole, to be least likely to embrace this Truth.

I think this is part of the fallout from the teaching and preaching that says, man is created with a god-shaped whole in his heart that only God can fill and that man needs to embrace God for a life of lasting happiness, yada, yada, yada. No… man is born in sin and eternally separated from God and cannot escape death and eternal judgment apart from a life redeemed in salvation by faith and trust in and through Jesus Christ. So teachers/preachers do an incredible disservice (and actually preach a different little “g” gospel) to their hearers when they teach health, wealth, prosperity and lasting happiness - instead of teaching/preaching the Truth of the Supreme Righteousness of God and life and salvation through faith in Him alone. It is then that believers walk in Truth that God is sovereign, that He *is* Lord and He *is* to be feared and He *is* to be trusted and He *is* to have the preeminence in our lives and we *are* to honour, obey, seek, serve and worship *Him!*

Instead… today we have a misinterpretation —a social gospel— that man decides what’s best for man, man decides what *he* thinks seems right and what feels good for wherever he’s at at the time through his version or fluid interpretation of what he wants God’s Word to say and mean. Dangerous. Relativism is probably the most destructive element in the church today… but, interestingly, it really doesn’t matter what man thinks, does or says… bcz God *is* still on the throne and He *is* still Lord of all - whether *all* or few or none think so or not. God is the LORD.

Now why is all that important to the topic of Lordship of the womb? Bcz and incorrect or an erroneous view of God leads to an erroneous view of the Christian walk and, more specifically, a flawed foundation for marriage.

Today, and I am speaking of Christian marriage here, we see a great deal of the infiltration of worldly thought. Consider: young couples marry. Brides, for the most part, look *just like* the world, not sacred and covered, are prepped for their life ahead by the standards of the world, thus, marriages begin on a foundation set by the standards of world. Both work outside the home -roles are blended or are interchangeable. The marriage bed is defiled. The plan is not for God to bless the home and the womb - but rather the couple sets out to make the plan–seeking “their own way” for their marriage. The first step taken before marriage (even if they physically-relationally stay “pure”) is to be sure and get some barrier for the marriage bed. There seems to be no thought for the biblical standards or design of marriage - though they are clear. From the beginning, the standard of, or the design for, marriage is very clear. But, since we have an enemy of our souls, the enemy of God, it surely stands to reason that marriage will be the clearest target—especially when we know that God says that marriage is a picture of Christ and the church. Whew! That’s big–that’s tremendous! So the distortion of marriage, of the home, and centrally: the destruction of godly seed, is the chief aim of the enemy of our souls–the enemy of God. But remember, satan is a defeated foe (else the death, resurrection and life of Jesus was for naught) and death has no more dominion over the believer in Jesus. That is the record.

I share all that bcz I see more and more that when the foundation is incorrect or flawed, then the whole building is out of kilter. And this is seen nowhere more clearly than in the way and working of the Christian home. The enemy will use all sorts of tactics to destroy the home… if he can’t do it through simply breaking down the marriage through by lust, pornography, etc., etc., then he’ll go through the wife by fear, covetousness, discontent, etc., etc., and the place of greatest attack will be in the womb.

Many years ago we sat in a forum where people were discussing the greatest threat to the Church. People threw out ideas as to what those threats might be. After a couple of hours and much debate, I sheepishly contended that birth-control is one of the greatest threats to the church today. That was close to twenty years ago - and I thought I felt pretty strongly about it then - but today… this many years later, I couldn’t be more resolute in that stand. I actually liken it to the abortion holocaust in America (and around the world); it (along with its close cousin: pornography) is the holocaust of the Christian marriage.

I know that’s a bold statement. I know it’s a strong position to take—that birth-control has no place in the Christian marriage. It’s a strong and loaded statement to say that birth-control is for people who shouldn’t be getting pregnant. And who shouldn’t be getting pregnant? People who are not married. So who shouldn’t be in that position? Anyone who is not married… and on and on. Birth-control is license to sin. Yeah. Just like pornography is license to commit adultery. Yeah. It’s all man-centered… it’s the infiltration of secular humanism… man does what man thinks is best and it’s according to man’s interpretation of what is.
So… no birth-control. Then should Christians try and have as many babies as possible? No. Should Christians work their situation to make fertility favourable? No… not really. For that is as man-centered manipulation - not faith. We are called to walk by faith, not by sight. I never think that couples should try and have as many babies as *they* can. That’s (to me) a roundabout form of birth-control. I think and say that Christian couples should *not* fear what God will do in and through them and should *wait* on Him for *His* provision —whatever that is. And… amazingly, that might be many, it might be none, it might be few, it might be one: child/ren. What is true is that it’s God’s creation. His and His alone. If we believe He is God (and He is) and we say we trust Him, then we trust Him. Period. We trust Him.

His ways are not our ways, His ways are higher than our ways. We cannot see. Period. We cannot see… the great and marvelous things He has planned for us, the ways He has for us to bring Him glory and honour. Some will have many, some will have few, some will have none… BUT! we should all be glad for His blessings… whatever they are. And children are a blessing… God says they are. We should live in, or seek to live in, agreement with what *He* says is true. I’ll write more about this tomorrow… for the topic is great and it’s importance cannot really be measured.
I have this on one of my pages on our website:
So again I say, sisters: pray… study, pray, research and trust God for His direction, plans and purposes in your life and trust Him for the outcome! Do this: Pray! Prove all things, hold fast that which is good!! I do not believe that there is a drug, an herb, a method or a formula or any other performance that can be prescribed and followed in order to bring about or “make” conception happen outside living according to God’s marvelous design for marriage. It is and will only be: God. It is God who opens and God who closes the womb. It’s all God. I simply believe He gives us understanding, nutrients, etc., to be prepared for His ways should He choose to so move and bring about pregnancy.”

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August 21, 2006 by pamela.

We went on a date on Saturday night ― out to dinner to a place I love. Well, I love going out on dates anywhere, so the place or location really doesn’t matter to me all that much. Actually, even dates at Home Depot or wherever, whenever and however the time happens, dates are sweet to me (and make me sweet to him, btw).

So we went on a date. Yes, it was wonderful date and adding to the delight, it was a double-date with dear friends. We went to a local restaurant that serves beautiful food beautifully and the atmosphere (aided by fond memories of previous dinners there) is always marvelous. It was the first day of my umpteenth diet, and so following dinner, I *shared* dessert. So today’s the first day of my umpteenth and one diets. We saw the sunset and had delightful conversation and laughed as shared common “parenting stories” and ways the LORD is dealing with us and in and through our families.

Later, sweet conversation lingered as we drove home in our sports car. Well, to us for that evening it was a sports car to others, it might’ve looked like a doctor’s waiting room on wheels — and with only two patients sitting in the waiting room, the 13 empty seats make the waiting room look much larger than when all the seats are occupied (with people, carseats and assorted paraphernalia). We chuckled that we can sit in that waiting room for $100. for 400 miles now. We laughed at how quiet it was ― and after stopping to turn off a reading light that must’ve been left on from the last family ride, we laughed at how far back those seats really are. The lengthy roll of paper that was on one side: a Costco receipt, was a reminder that we weren’t really alone… just on a date.

We reflected on the dinner table conversation earlier in the evening where we talked about dates, dating, all the definitions of “courtship” and children. Our friends were talking about the recreation of dating and its assorted other recreational activities and how kids are entertained to death with recreation. We had talked about how we’ve shared with our children over the years that regardless of how things look or seem presently, the boy or girl they might “date” is, in stark reality, someone’s husband or wife. Somewhere, sometime, someplace, that person will be someone’s spouse. And if our children have “dated” that person and it’s not their spouse, they will have defrauded that person. We told our children many times through the years that they come with, or are born with, many gifts—many “firsts” — and it’s these gifts or “firsts” that they will give to their spouse. If they’ve kept them all, then when they get to the alter on their wedding day, their groom or bride will receive all their gifts—all their “firsts.” Their first love, their first embrace, their first hopes, their first kiss, their first promises, their first attention, etc., etc. All those “firsts” will have been preciously preserved or they will have been thoughtlessly and foolishly squandered. How sad it would be to arrive at the alter with no gifts… or tarnished gifts.

We have shared with our children that we are ashamed that many of our gifts were squandered on others. That we didn’t arrive at the alter with all of our gifts… I’ve been quick to say that I am thankful I arrived at the alter with the big gift intact… but how much sweeter it would have been and would be today if all my kisses, all my promises, all my embraces, all my dreams had been reserved for the one man the LORD had chosen for me—the one man I was chosen to complete. How much more complete I could have been had my life been totally yielded to the LORD.

We’ve shared that dating is so sweet, so delightful. And I suppose this is a matter of semantics and some might think I’m beating a dead horse, but dating is so misunderstood. Courtship’s even becoming misunderstood and perhaps it’s becoming sort of glorified dating. But real dating is for married people—for only married people can enjoy or have a whole date with no regrets. Any other sort of “dating” is simply recreation… playing at marriage, playing at emotional divorce, playing house. And like I’ve shared many, many times: marriage is for keeps—playtime isn’t. We pray for all of our children (even married) to fully enjoy authentic love and authentic dates! With no regrets.

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